Men's Groups

Excerpt from Fatherless Sons - pages 163 - 164.

A men's group - a bunch of wimps crying on each other's shoulders; broken-arse men who can't get their act together and handle life on their own?

Forget the stereotypes that come to mind when you hear the words "men's group". They come from ideas thrown up by the media that merely defend men's isolation. It's part of the training that says, "be a man" and squash anything sissy or unmanly in yourself by ridiculing it in others. But the reality of committing to a well-functioning men's group is very different.

"Alienation is one of the faces of modernity. The cure is communication and community - a new sense of togetherness. By opening up to each other, we diminish the pressure of being alone and exiled."
- Malidoma SomÈ from Of Water and the Spirit

This comment by Malidoma SomÈ speaks to the essence of what men are gaining out of men's groups. The exile of traditional male conditioning is ended by surrendering to the experience of simply being with men on the journey of life.

What does it feel like in a men's group?

Imagine the ease of togetherness that comes with being out in the mountains tramping with a group of mates. Feel the friendship of being handed a cup of tea prepared by one of them while you rest. Or the ease of being at sea fishing, or the quiet camaraderie of simply enjoying the solitude with friends. Imagine a father figure you could share concerns with and receiving his advice, reassurance. What about the challenge of a good mate you trust enough to give you honest feedback when you are off the mark?

A men's group is:

• Having men who will help you or give you honest feedback;

• Having people who will support you and celebrate your achievement every step of the way;

• Having a circle of elders to discuss your life and future directions with and help you trust how the world is unfolding for you;

• Being challenged and kept accountable to your commitments;

• A place where you don't have to defend yourself and compete with men and where you can gradually undo the ties that bind you.

• A place to have fun and learn about friendship.

Imagine these kinds of experiences in your life on a regular basis, month after month as you grow in trust and friendship and develop a shared history and culture. This is a men's group. It is the possibility of ending the fear and isolation and coming home to yourself and community. It is finding a place to stand as a man in these times as a contributor to new ways of being for future generations of men. And it is a place from which to form an equal partnership with women.

Essentially Men, 13 Maidstone Street, Ponsonby, Auckland, Phone: (09) 376 2386, essentiallymen@clear.net.nz